Fear of the Future

I was speaking to a lovely lady last week, who I’m going to call Marie.  That’s not her actual name, of course.  She called me about divorce proceedings and we started talking about whether divorce was right for her.  This seems to be a recurring discussion that I have with people that call. 

“Why is someone asking you whether divorce is the way to go?” I hear you say!  Sometimes, I do find that I’m more counsellor than divorce expert. 

But I have been there myself.  That indecision, confusion, overwhelm just takes over and makes everything a big swirl inside you. 

Marie was clear that the relationship was definitely over but she couldn’t decide what to do next.  After a bit of time, it appeared that her indecision was down to fear.

When we feel huge fear, it leads us to paralysis and stops us from taking steps in any direction.  It can be fear of the future, fear around finances, whether the children will be affected.  You get the picture. 

I remember a quote that really stayed with me around thoughts, fear and beliefs:

Nothing binds you except your thoughts;                                                                 Nothing limits you except your fear;                                                                         And nothing controls you except your beliefs.

Marianne Williamson

So many people stay in relationships that have come to a natural end because they are scared.  At some point the fear will not be enough to stay and then the regret is that so many years of joy have passed by. 

I wouldn’t say that you should rush into action but take considered steps in the direction that is right for you. 

I told Marie that some of the strategies I used to make a firm decision and to take action might help her.  Here are some:

1. List out where you see your life in a year, 5 years and 10 years if you stay in the relationship. Make a similar list for where you see your life if you leave the relationship.  Which one feels right for you?
2. Write out the advantages and disadvantages of staying in the relationship. Really connect with yourself when you do this.  If you find that the advantages of staying are finances, the children living with both parents; no disruption and not that you love your partner and would miss them if you left that will give you something to think about
3. Start journaling – writing out your thoughts every day, whatever they are around around your relationship, why you think it may have come to an end, why you are scared to leave will give you lots of insights on what is really stopping you from either putting everything into this relationship or taking steps to amicably separate.

A final quote from me that inspired me to decide to take the same journey as my clients: 

Don’t let the sadness from the past, and fear of the future ruin the happiness of the present

Kid Cudi